Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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