From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize