just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I looked at my own cervix.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
