I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
