Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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