Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
