I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
