I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
