I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
