john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
