Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I pour the whiskey from now on
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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