Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
