the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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