So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
