Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
