apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
