BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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