my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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