There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
