oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
