Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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