Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
