i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
