Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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