he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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