I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
