I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
