So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
