it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
