I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
