I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
