If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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