i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
