Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
