is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
