the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
