At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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