So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
