Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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