Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
