How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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