I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize