I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
