Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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