Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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