Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
