Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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