Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Michael Bay diarrhea
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
