I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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