no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
