I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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