do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
