I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize