I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
