I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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