Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
