she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
