Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
