fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize